Recently, I watched Sleeping with Other People, directed by Leslye Headland, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about the line “I love you for free”. I think about it when I wake up, and when I am doing mundane tasks. It is all-consuming. I can't help but relate it to situations I have experienced in my own life. It's a constant reminder of the exact circumstance this line reminds me of. I feel this often. I started to notice that the worst things about myself that I try to keep hidden are reflected in the media I consume. Relationships that will never work out, and the feeling of time slipping away. I realize this happens most often with the media that makes me feel persistently sad. You can probably tell exactly how I'm feeling at any time of the year by simply analyzing my Letterboxd diary or looking at my Apple Music playlists. It seems as though I find a sort of comfort in sadness.
A few months ago, I watched a movie called I Used to be Funny. Similar to Sleeping with Other People, I obsessed over it. I watched edits and video essays just to try and relive the emotions I felt the first time I saw the movie. I realized that I follow a pattern when I find something that makes me feel this deep sense of dread. I return, I study, and I try to recreate. More often than not, I am unsuccessful in my chase. However, I can't help but crave that feeling.
In January, I made a playlist titled “fade my life”, how angsty I know. I was made as a way to translate exactly how I felt since I was too cowardly to put it into words. I listened to this playlist for months. I replayed the moment that made me feel so compelled to make “fade my life” over and over. It wasn't until there was a new miserable thing happening to me that I was able to move on from this playlist. Oftentimes, this feeling translates into other aspects of my life. The initial feeling of sadness can trigger other desolate thoughts. I spiral thinking about what I could be, what I could look like, or every opportunity I have missed. It’s almost like there is no end to this feeling. What's even worse is that I am intentionally setting myself up to feel this way.
Last year, I challenged myself to listen to happier music. I started listening to things that didn't make me feel like I was starting my morning on the wrong side of the bed. Almost instantly, I felt happier. It's not like I all of a sudden got the will to live; I never lost that in the first place, but for once, I didn't feel like I hadn't done enough. I stopped seeking out other sad forms of media, I felt more confident, and I started to value my own opinions rather than the ideas of other people. But you know what they say, good things don't last forever. Towards the end of the year, I found myself listening to John Mayer nonstop, and all of a sudden, I was back in my old cycle. I returned, I studied, and I tried to recreate.
Since falling back into this cycle, I now have to force myself to put on an upbeat song here and there so I don't spiral. Sometimes I even have to force myself to get up and do things so that I don't sit in dread for days on end. It's almost like I'm trying to break an addiction I didn't realize I had.
Recently, I have been listening to Let Me Go by Daniel Caesar. I'm embarrassed to admit I found this song from one of Noah Beck's TikToks (lol). This song inspired this piece because, before listening to this song, I had actually been feeling very happy. I put this song on, and it reminded me of that familiar feeling, so of course it was on repeat for a week straight. I could easily change the song, but I don't. I understand firsthand how I feel after consuming sad media, but for some reason, I can't stop. It's like a drug, except there is no high.
I can't tell you why I do this or why you might too, but I can say it doesn't make you abnormal. Sadness in itself is comforting, and for many, it is familiar. I don't think that I deserve to be sad, and I don't even want to be sad, but I enjoy how familiar it has become. To me, there is something quite poetic about that. It doesn’t make me a fraud for experiencing a heightened sense of emotion as a result of this media because isn't that what it's for?
Even though the songs that make me feel this way are on multiple playlists, the specific curation of songs transport me right back to how I was feeling when I decided to make this playlist. It makes me wonder, maybe it's not me wanting to be sad, but a way for me to relive past experiences. There is a line in my favorite song, Edge of Desire by John Mayer, that goes like: “There I just said it, I’m scared you'll forget about me”. Maybe that's what I want. I don't want to forget about these moments because I think they are what truly make me who I am. I think I might be obsessed with holding on to certain moments. I write in a journal, I post on this blog, and I have a scrapbook of all things that help me cope with the constant feeling that my life is going by faster than I can keep up. If this is the case, why don't I revisit happy memories? Maybe I'll figure it out one day.